So a few weeks ago, I decided I would rejoin academia after my trip. To move things forward, I spent these three days compiling my CV and writing cover letters.
I know, I know: only last year I wrote a lengthy blog post detailing all the reasons why I was running from academia, and now all of a sudden I decide to go back anyway? This merits some explanation, for sure, and I'm going to provide it in this post (feel free to skip the rest of this post if you're only interested in travel-related adventures ;-))
Deciding to go back to academia is a big step, of course. One and a half years ago, I had a number of very good reasons to quit. To make sure I don't run off in a bout of misguided emotion, I'll examine each of the reasons to see what, if anything, has changed (be that the world, me, or my perception of the world).
Mindset
First off, I believe that one basic thing has changed, or is in the process of changing: my mindset. When I decided to leave academia, I was very much in a fixed mindset. What this means is that I believed in the fixedness of talent and intelligence - you'll succeed only if you already have talent or intelligence; there's no way to change either of them. In this mindset, success meant being the best and proving it over and over again, and failure - not being the best - was much too easy to procure in an academic environment.
Now, my mindset is much more oriented towards growth. In the growth mindset, the belief is that intelligence and ability can change if you apply yourself hard and purposefully enough. Success means accepting challenges and learning as much as possible on the way. Failure is simply the failure to learn.
In any area of life, but especially in an academic environment, the growth mindset is much more advantageous because it removes the pressure of having to constantly prove yourself, and allows for the pure pleasure of learning without fear. True, I was always curious and keen on learning new things, but I was also very afraid of being 'found out', and afraid that admitting to not knowing something would mean I wasn't smart enough.
I think my mindset was already changing slowly throughout my trip, but reading the excellent book Mindset by Carol Dweck (amazon) has definitely accelerated this process and improved it by giving me much more information about mindsets and their effects on my life.
Competition for funding and positions, job insecurity
I've decided to give it a shot - or rather, to give it the best shot that I am capable of. I've decided to do research because I love it, and work as hard as I can to do the best I can. As long as people want to employ or fund me for this, excellent! Should that not be the case anymore at some point, I am confident that other opportunities will open up. With a CELTA in my pocket, I could always go teach English in some exotic place, for example.
This doesn't mean that I don't have goals regarding funding and positions, or that I will run from academia again at the slightest hint of difficulty. I am committed to being a scientist, and I want to work hard at being a good one. It just means that the end of academia won't be the end of the world for me anymore - what a freeing thought!
Location insecurity
I've lived nowhere and everywhere for more than a year now, and I'll admit that the idea of a home - regardless where that may be - sounds very appealing right now. If I really do end up in a hideous place, why, I'll find a new position in a nice place! And besides, I'm convinced that there are very few places that are truly hideous - often it is only the mind that makes it so.
Plagiarism
I'm guessing that plagiarism on all levels continues to be a problem, whether it is growing or not. I have an idea what a solution may look like, and I have a Mexican scientist to thank for this insight.
In Mexico, I met a researcher studying tourism. He looked at how tourists behave when they think they're on vacation, and what he found wasn't pleasant at all: most tourists are very condescending and disrespectful. He saw only one solution that might improve the situation of tourism worldwide: education. He admitted that this would be a slow solution, taking more than one generation for sure, but he was certain that it was the only one with the potential to be truly effective.
I believe that the same might be true for plagiarism. So raising awareness, educating students, and being consistent about exposing plagiarism would all contribute to the solution.
Unwavering determination and self-confidence required
Since I want to do research for the love of it, and I am determined to give it my best, that is a big step towards unwavering determination, isn't it? Unwavering self-confidence sounds like a whole other issue, but once you change your perspective from a fixed mindset (I'm the best, I simply have to be) to a growth mindset, self-confidence only requires being confident that you'll be able to learn something in the process - and this I am.
Publication bias, selective reporting, publish or perish, playing it safe
These are all issues concerning publication, and I think they can seriously affect the efficiency of science: publishing only a certain kind of results, filtering data so that a specific outcome seems to result, and publishing a flood of papers with tiny increments all don't contribute to the advancement of science. Unfortunately, researchers often have their best self-interest in mind, not the interest of science or humankind, and so these issues exist.
The solution on a larger scale might be raising awareness and educating (again), but on a smaller scale - i.e., myself - I can start improving things by not playing this game: by being honest and conscientious about reporting my results, and by aiming for quality instead of quantity.
Military applications
This is a difficult area. I think that an important contribution in this area would be raising awareness; researchers outside of the military may be ignorant about the consequences of their research. For example, if you do research in robotics with the goal of a "search & rescue" robot - a noble goal, wouldn't you agree? - the military can easily turn this into a "search & destroy" version of your work.
What I'd like to look at are the ethical consequences of research projects, and I also think that there should be a discussion how the military can be prevented of using research results to help kill people. Are civil use clauses, patents, or software licenses effective?
Loss of meaning
The most important reason I had to quit academia was a loss of meaning. Nothing I did seemed to be meaningful anymore, let alone a meaningful contribution to the advancement of humankind. So the most important part in me figuring out that I want to return to academia was figuring out how to make it meaningful. My solution is rather simple and, in hindsight, seems really straightforward: I realized that I can tweak my job as a researcher by adding my own focus to it.
For example, I'd like to improve the situation of women in science. And I'd like to make sure that ethical issues are more centrally discussed in my area of research. Concentrating on these issues - women and ethics - would add meaning to my research and contribute to making my life meaningful. In addition, I realized that I have quite a bit of freedom in choosing what I want to work on, and how to work on projects in such a way as to maximize the meaning they give my life.
How did I figure this out?
During the CELTA course in Ecuador, I realized that I love learning and figuring out new things, and that I also love working hard to do the best I can. This made it really clear to me that it wasn't research per se that had made me run from academia, but rather the circumstances.
Regarding the circumstances in which you work, I had many conversations with fellow travelers, and their stories made me realize that the circumstances you have to put up with in industry are very often worse than the ones in academia. Basically, I realized that you have to put up with some amount of crap in any job; it's up to you to decide whether you let it annoy the hell out of you, or whether you work with what you got and try to change the worst of it.
Both of these points, however, left the main issue untouched: the question of meaning. I wanted my work to have some kind of real impact, to improve the world in some small way. Then I read this great article in Psychology Today, entitled "Finding Happiness at Work." It asked readers to ask themselves three questions: what gives me meaning? what gives me pleasure? what are my strengths? In my case, both pleasure and strengths pointed to academia. That left the issue of meaning. A while ago, I had compiled a list of issues that I would find meaningful to work on. At least two of the items on the list were directly applicable to academic settings.
The first item was feminism. If I can work to improve the situation of women in science, work towards more recognition and representation and support for women, then I am working to improve the world.
The second item was ethics. For quite a while I've had the feeling that ethical issues are not really discussed in my area of research, although there are military applications and environmental issues that I feel need to be addressed. So, if I work towards a broader consideration of ethical issues in research and education, then I am working to improve the world.
And this is how I arrived at my new mission statement:
I'll go back to academia, do research, work on improving the situation of women in science, and work to raise awareness for ethical issues.
I have to say, this decision feels almost like coming home after a too-long absence. I can't wait to resume work again!
